Lemonade Kaja Is in Action

Estonia is on the brink of bankruptcy, and our active, vocal, and thoroughly honest prime minister faces a historic task: to grab new sources of revenue for the state budget that would help maintain the extravagant lifestyle of ministries and government institutions, even when the rest of Estonia hangs up its boots. Hence, our head of government, the talented middle-aged female politician Kaja Kallas, invited government members to Vihula to discuss the budget, or to be honest, rather to brainstorm how, in addition to squeezing families with many children and car owners, to find other pleasant ways to milk funds into the budget through taxes.

Never mind that the government's luxurious trip to the quietness of Lahemaa deprived €17,500 in tax money at a time when the state treasury was supposedly empty. This extravagance was justified, as in the cozy manor idyll of Vihula, brilliant ideas were proposed, such as introducing a lemonade tax. In simple terms, this means welding a hefty excise tax onto each bottle of lemonade, which would be paid out of the pockets of sugar-loving children. Bombing kids might not be very dignified, but who cares? With this new tax, two birds would be hit with one stone - the empty state budget would be filled from the pocket money of school kids, and a limit would be placed on the obesity of youngsters, the main cause of which, according to our head of government, is the excessive sugar gulped down from fizzy drinks. Although a popular saying claims that a fat child is a beautiful child, our government doesn't think so. And rightly so! Why pamper them? Read my lips and shut up, you jackals! – this is the new reality.

In fact, the lemonade tax has little to do with forcing people to be frugal. For instance, a second cutlet tax could be implemented. If a family of four buys five cutlets from the store because the father has a bigger appetite than the wife and children, that fifth cutlet, exceeding the number of family members, should be taxed. The state treasury would get stronger, and the nasty male chauvinist would be snubbed because there's no need to eat more than others. Of course, it's complicated to collect tax on the fifth cutlet, so you might as well weld excise onto all food products. Better a terrible end! Overeating is evil, and agriculture harms the environment. The added food excise on top of the VAT would help us cut back on both vices.

As Kaja Kallas and other star ministers, like the finance guru Mart Võrklaev, have aptly noted, one must consider that Estonians have so far lived too well, indulged irresponsibly in eating and driving cars, and this must be curtailed for the sake of humanity's happiness. It should be understood that our 'lemonade government' thinks globally, and therefore the concerns of the country's citizens are not a priority for them. To the government, Estonian people are wallets walking on two legs, from which every last cent must be shaken out. All to continue the uncontrollable expenses of the government apparatus and pay high salaries to all politicians, from the rambling, shouting, utterly stupid, malicious, lying, indifferent jackasses to the noble souls. As long as the political zoo is content with its living conditions, submissive Estonians can be milked without limit. After all this, one would take a sip of lemonade before the children's drink becomes a luxury item.

Vsevolod Jürgenson