Breaking News: Scientists Discover That Earth Is Actually Flat – But Only on Tuesdays

Breaking News: Scientists Discover That Earth Is Actually Flat – But Only on Tuesdays
@TheStevenAlber “TransNarrative Artistry”

In a groundbreaking revelation that has sent shockwaves through the scientific community and beyond, a team of internationally renowned geophysicists announced early this morning that the Earth, contrary to centuries of scientific consensus, is actually flat. But there’s a twist – this astonishing phenomenon only occurs on Tuesdays.

The research, led by Professor Ima Joken, head of the Institute for Terrestrial Unconformities, has been hailed as the most significant scientific discovery since the realization that water is wet. According to Professor Joken, the Earth undergoes a remarkable transformation every Tuesday, flattening out like a pancake due to a rare cosmic phenomenon known as “Temporal-Spatial Dilation” (TSD).

“Our findings are irrefutable,” stated Professor Joken during a press conference held at the institute’s headquarters, located on a previously undiscovered floating island in the Bermuda Triangle. “Thanks to the advanced TSD Detection Technology (TSD-DT) we developed, we’ve observed that every Tuesday, at exactly 00:00 UTC, the Earth flattens for a 24-hour period before popping back to its usual spherical shape.”

The professor went on to explain that this peculiar behavior has been responsible for numerous unexplained phenomena throughout history, including the disappearance of socks in laundry machines and the sudden increase in pizza deliveries on Tuesday nights. “It all makes sense now,” Joken added, “The Earth flattening out one day a week has far-reaching implications for our understanding of physics, geography, and even pizza consumption patterns.”

When asked about the implications of this discovery for global navigation and time zones, Professor Joken assured the public that there was nothing to worry about. “Our team is currently developing an app called ‘FlatNav,’ specifically designed for use on Tuesdays. It will seamlessly adjust GPS coordinates to account for the Earth’s temporary flatness,” he explained.

In light of this discovery, governments around the world are considering the implementation of “Flat Day” celebrations every Tuesday. Activities will include worldwide pancake breakfasts, frisbee tournaments, and a mandatory flat shoe dress code to honor the Earth’s new shape.

Critics have been quick to express skepticism regarding the study’s findings, suggesting that the timing of the announcement – April 1st – may indicate the research is less than legitimate. In response, Professor Joken has invited doubters to join him next Tuesday for a live demonstration at the edge of the Earth, promising free return trips for all attendees.

As the world grapples with the implications of this startling discovery, one thing is clear: Tuesdays will never be the same again.